The Cost of Avoiding Shame

Shame is an emotion we all encounter, and while it’s human nature to want to avoid it, navigating shame with compassion and curiosity can lead to profound personal growth. In this article, we’ll explore the hidden costs of avoiding shame and how it often disguises itself as anger. To help you take these insights further, we’ve created an exclusive guided worksheet designed to help you uncover what’s beneath your own emotions and build stronger connections with yourself and others. This worksheet is available exclusively to our paid subscribers. Upgrade your membership today to gain access to this transformative resource and continue your journey toward greater emotional resilience and connection.

The other day, I found myself sitting with an emotion I wasn’t expecting—shame. It all started during a conversation with my wife, Alona, and another woman who was sharing a story about her son. She was clearly excited, but instead of responding to her joy, I jumped in and shared something I was excited about.

When I finished speaking, Alona turned to the woman and said, “That must be so exciting for you,” acknowledging her experience beautifully. But instead of feeling inspired by Alona’s thoughtfulness, I felt a surge of anger.

Internally, I was frustrated with Alona for what I thought was dismissing my comment. I remember thinking, Why didn’t she acknowledge me first? But as I sat with the anger, replaying the moment in my mind, something else began to surface.

I realized that my anger at Alona wasn’t really about her at all. Beneath the frustration was shame—shame for not acknowledging the woman’s excitement before jumping to share about myself. I felt embarrassed for not being more considerate, and I unconsciously projected my inner criticism—that I should have been more thoughtful to the other woman—onto Alona.

It took me a few minutes to untangle it all. Once I did, I decided to call the woman, acknowledge my embarrassment, and apologize for not honoring her moment first. Her warmth and kindness in response felt deeply healing.

What stood out to me most wasn’t just the shame—it was how easily I almost let anger take over and misdirect my attention.

Identifying and Connecting to Shame

What I’ve learned from this experience is how powerful it can be to pause and look beneath anger. Often, anger is like a guard standing in front of shame, protecting it by pointing the blame outward. The moment we notice this pattern, we can start to explore what’s really going on inside.

Here’s a simple way to self-connect when you notice anger or frustration:

1. Pause and Check In with Your Body

Ask yourself, What am I feeling physically? Maybe your chest feels tight, or your stomach is churning. These sensations can be clues.

2. Get Curious About the Feeling

Ask, What might this anger be protecting? Sometimes you’ll notice sadness, guilt, or shame underneath.

3. Name Your Needs

Identify what you were needing in the moment. For me, I realized I wanted to meet my need for consideration—both for the woman I was speaking with and for myself.

4. Offer Yourself Compassion

Remind yourself: I’m human, and it’s okay to make mistakes. I can learn from this and repair.

Example Dialogue: Uncovering What’s Beneath Anger

Anger often feels loud and urgent, but if we pause and get curious, we might notice that something softer—like shame—is hiding underneath. Here’s how you could explore it:

Step 1: Acknowledge the Anger Without Judgment

You (to yourself): “I’m feeling so angry right now. My chest is tight, my face feels hot, and I just want to yell. This feels intense.”

Step 2: Get Curious About What’s Underneath

You (to yourself): “Okay, anger, what’s going on? Why are you here? Is there something else you’re protecting or covering up?”

Step 3: Look for Hints of Shame or Another Emotion

• Ask yourself: Am I embarrassed about something? Did I have a thought that I was disregarded or feel a sense of not being seen? Am I upset because I wanted something to go differently?

You (to yourself): “Oh, I think I’m feeling embarrassed because I didn’t acknowledge her excitement before jumping in. I care about being considerate, and I missed that here.”

Step 4: Offer Yourself Understanding and Compassion

You (to yourself): “It’s okay to feel embarrassed. It just means I care about her feelings. Everyone makes mistakes. I can reconnect by sharing how I feel and letting her know I value her experience.”

This approach helps you gently peel back the layers of anger without forcing it to go away. By asking open-ended questions and staying curious, you create space for underlying feelings like shame to emerge naturally.

Why This Matters

Every time you pause and get curious, you’re building the muscle of self-awareness. Instead of staying stuck in anger, you’re learning to understand your emotions and meet them with care. Over time, this practice becomes easier—and leads to stronger connections with yourself and others.

The Cost of Avoiding Shame

When we use anger or blame to avoid connecting to shame, it doesn’t bring the peace or resolution we’re looking for. Instead, it often leaves us feeling stuck, disconnected, or even more frustrated. Anger might feel powerful or justified in the moment, but it doesn’t touch the deeper feelings that are driving it—like embarrassment, sadness, or fear.

For example, if you feel ashamed for not acknowledging someone’s joy, it might feel easier to direct your anger outward or blame someone else for embarrassing you. But in doing so, you stay disconnected from the deeper need—for compassion, understanding, or self-acceptance.

The real healing comes when you gently acknowledge and sit with those softer feelings. That’s what opens the door to inner peace, clarity, and connection—not just with others, but also with yourself.

Sharing This with Your Children

During a car ride to school, I shared this experience with my two daughters, Kylee (13) and Jordan (11). Sharing moments like these with your children is powerful—it not only supports their emotional growth but also contributes to your own healing. They learn, through your modeling, that feelings of shame are natural and okay to notice and name, and they gain tools for working through these emotions. It also teaches them that sharing openly with others is welcome and safe.

Talking about my own shame out loud also helped it dissipate in me, as shame draws its strength from staying hidden. I asked them if they’d ever felt angry in a way that was really more about feeling ashamed.

Kylee responded, “Oh yeah, I get mad at the other person, like you did.” She then shared an example from her own life. “When you remind me that I didn’t turn off my iPad after 45 minutes, even though we agreed I would, I feel mad at you,” she admitted. As we talked about it, she realized her anger came from feeling bad about herself for not following through on what she promised and wanting to avoid that uncomfortable feeling.

My other daughter, Jordan, responded differently. “I don’t get mad,” she said at first, but then paused. “Actually, I blame the other person. If Kylee gets mad at me for borrowing her clothes without asking, I say, ‘Well, you borrow my stuff all the time without asking!’”

Their insights were so relatable. Shame often makes us want to deflect—to either attack outward or protect ourselves by shifting blame. But once we understand this, we can teach kids to recognize and navigate their shame in healthier ways.

Helping Kids Navigate Shame

Here are some ways to support your children:

1. Model Vulnerability

Share your experiences with shame and how you’ve worked through it. This shows kids that it’s okay to feel embarrassed or make mistakes.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Encourage kids to reflect on their own experiences. For example:

• “Have you ever felt mad and realized later it was because you were sad or embarrassed?”

3. Practice Self-Connection Together

Guide them through identifying their feelings and needs. For example:

• “When Kylie gets mad at you for borrowing her clothes, how do you feel? What do you think you were needing in that moment?”

4. Normalize Repair

Teach them that making mistakes is part of being human and that repairing relationships builds trust.

A Lifelong Practice

Shame is a universal emotion, but it doesn’t have to disconnect us. When we approach it with curiosity and compassion, we can transform it into an opportunity for growth and connection.

For kids, learning these skills early gives them tools to navigate relationships with empathy and resilience. And for us as parents, it’s a reminder that our own growth is just as important as the lessons we teach.

Every time we pause, self-connect, and repair, we’re showing our kids—and ourselves—that it’s possible to stay connected, even when shame shows up.

Let’s keep growing, together.