The Gift of Saying 'No': How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
I Knew How to Say ‘No’—But It Still Felt Bad
In today’s article, we explore the powerful practice of saying “no” without guilt. If you’ve ever struggled with the emotional weight of turning someone down, you're not alone. You’ll learn how understanding the deeper “yes” behind every “no” can transform how you feel about setting boundaries, leading to a sense of care and authenticity rather than rejection. By owning your “no,” you create space for what truly matters—your energy, your well-being, and your priorities.
So, how do you start implementing this mindset? Tomorrow, paid subscribers will receive an additional article with practical steps for incorporating these ideas into daily life. Be sure to upgrade to a paid subscription for access to our Thursday articles.
I’ve long understood that every 'no' contains a deeper 'yes.' It’s a core teaching in Nonviolent Communication (NVC)—the idea that when I say 'no' to something, I’m actually saying 'yes' to something else. Whether it’s my time, energy, or well-being, each 'no' is a reflection of what truly matters to me.
But knowing this and feeling it were two different things.
I still found myself hesitating. I feared my 'no' would feel like rejection. I still said it, but inside, I felt guilty—like I was letting them down.
I didn’t just want to know how to say 'no.' I wanted to feel good in my body when I did it—not just understand it in my head. That required working with the energy of my 'no' differently.
Then I started to feel it more clearly: 'No' and 'yes' are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other.
The problem is, most of us focus only on the 'no' side—what we’re declining, who we might disappoint. But when I started flipping the coin—when I truly connected to the beautiful 'yes' behind my 'no'—everything changed.
Saying 'no' no longer felt like rejection.
It felt like a gift.
I never thought that was possible before. But it is.
Here’s how.
The Key Insight: The 'Yes' Behind Every 'No'
Imagine a gold coin—one side says “yes,” the other says 'no.' They are never separate.
Every time you say 'no' to something, you are saying 'yes' to something else—but only if you consciously connect to it.
Instead of focusing on what you’re refusing, flip the coin.
What are you saying 'yes' to?
Instead of thinking, "I can’t meet for lunch," I could say:
-I’m saying 'yes' to caring for my energy and not overextending myself.
-I’m saying 'yes' to having space to focus on my most important priorities.
-I’m saying 'yes' to protecting my time so I don’t feel burnt out.
The shift is subtle but powerful.
When you own your 'no' while deeply connected to your ‘yes,’ your 'no' doesn’t feel like rejection—it feels like authenticity and care.
And the person receiving your 'no' can feel that too.
Here’s what it looks like in action.
A Real-Life Example: The 'No' That Felt Like a Gift
Not too long ago, someone reached out and asked if I wanted to grab lunch.
I like this person. If I had nothing on my plate, I would have loved to meet up. But when I checked in with myself, I realized I was already stretched thin. I knew I needed to conserve my energy for my most important priorities, or I’d risk burning out.
At first, I did what I always do—I immediately started thinking about how I could squeeze this in, usually at the expense of my free time or, worse, family time.
In the past, I probably would have said 'yes.' I’d tell myself, "It’s just lunch—it’s not a big deal." I’d push aside my exhaustion, show up feeling drained, and spend the entire meal trying to muster up energy I didn’t have. Then later, I’d feel even more depleted, frustrated at myself for not listening to what I truly needed.
I then felt that familiar pull—to push off the conversation, to make up an excuse, to say I was "too busy" (even though that wasn’t really the reason). But I caught myself and chose to own my 'no' in a new way.
Here’s what I sent:
Hi John – I appreciate the invite—it would be great to catch up. Right now, I’m focusing on a few key priorities and being mindful of my bandwidth to avoid burnout, so I’m going to hold off on meeting this time. If I had more spaciousness, I’d love to, and I hope we can find another time down the road. Wishing you a great visit!
And here’s how he responded:
Sure Matt! Thanks so much for your warm response. I genuinely appreciate it every time!
That response took me by surprise.
I realized something: When I say 'no' with honesty, care, and confidence, the people who truly value me don’t just accept it—they appreciate it.
He wasn’t disappointed.
He wasn’t hurt.
In fact, he felt warmth and care in my response.
By honoring my own needs, I wasn’t rejecting John—I was just making sure I had enough energy to show up fully the next time we connected.
That’s the power of this shift. I was so clearly connected to my 'yes' that sharing it truly felt like a gift—to me and to my friend.
Why Owning Your 'No' Is Essential for Your Health
Saying 'no' isn’t just about setting boundaries—it’s about protecting your well-being, physically and emotionally.
Your body doesn’t separate emotional stress from physical stress—it reacts the same way whether you’re running from a predator or forcing yourself to say 'yes' when you really mean 'no.'
When we ignore our own needs to accommodate others, our bodies register it as stress. Over time, this chronic stress takes a toll—not just emotionally, but physically—triggering a cascade of effects:
Raises inflammation, which is linked to chronic conditions like heart disease, autoimmune disorders, and even cancer.
Weakens your immune system, making it harder to fight off infections and clear out damaged cells.
Disrupts sleep and energy levels, leaving you feeling drained even after resting.
Increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and burnout, making it harder to feel present and engaged in your own life.
Over time, these effects accumulate. That tension in your body? That exhaustion you push through? It doesn’t just go away. When stress becomes chronic, your body struggles to repair itself, and long-term inflammation creates an environment where disease can take hold.
But when you set healthy boundaries, your body shifts into a state of ease and repair:
Your nervous system calms down, lowering stress hormones.
Your energy returns because you’re not constantly overextending yourself.
Your immune system strengthens, helping your body heal and stay resilient.
Saying 'no' isn’t selfish—it’s a way to protect your body, lower stress, and give yourself space to thrive.
Beyond People-Pleasing: Finding the Middle Path
Many people, when trying to move away from people-pleasing, swing to the opposite extreme—believing that the only way to stop is to say 'no' harshly, abruptly, or without care.
But there’s a middle path.
There are actually more than two options when making a decision:
I am joyful to do it. → A genuine, enthusiastic 'yes.'
I am willing to do it. → I may not love it, but I feel connected to the contribution and choose to say 'yes.'
I don’t want to do it. → Saying 'yes' would come from fear, guilt, or habit rather than choice.
True people-pleasing happens when you know you don’t want to do something but say 'yes' anyway—often because you fear disappointing someone, upsetting them, or losing their approval.
But here’s something essential: If you can’t trust that someone will say ‘no,’ how can you ever trust their ‘yes’?
If someone always says 'yes'—even when they don’t want to—how can you be sure they mean it? And how can others trust you if your 'yes' is sometimes given from obligation instead of choice?
When you check in and genuinely connect to why you’re choosing something, your 'yes' becomes authentic. Then, it’s not people-pleasing—it’s a conscious, wholehearted choice.
How to Feel the ‘Yes’ Before You Say 'No'
The key to making this work is that you can’t fake it.
If you just say a polite “no,” but inside you still feel guilty or resistant, the energy of rejection will still come through.
So before you say “no,” you have to feel the 'yes' in your body.
Step 1: Connect to Your 'Yes'
Before you respond, pause.
-Put your hand on your heart and take a deep breath.
-Ask yourself, What am I saying 'yes' to by saying “no?”
-Imagine that need (e.g., Rest, Self-Care, Choice, Boundaries, Authenticity) as something beautiful and alive—a flower being watered in the sun, growing stronger because you are tending to it.
Say in your head (or out loud):
-I so need self-care and rest right now.
-I feel it in my bones that I need to restore my energy.
-It feels beautiful to honor that.
Don’t rush this moment—let the feeling sink in.
Only once you truly believe in the beauty of your 'yes', are you ready to share it.
Step 2: Express Your 'No' as a Gift—Share the Beautiful Flower You’re Tending To
Once you're connected to your 'yes', it’s time to share it as a gift, not a rejection.
1) Start with appreciation: “I really appreciate you reaching out.”
2) Share your 'yes': “Right now, I’m focusing on…”
3) Acknowledge the impact: “I know that’s not what you were hoping to hear, and I care about that.”
4) Leave the door open (if genuine): “I’d love to find another time when it feels more spacious.”
Own Your 'No' With Strength
Don’t sneak around your 'no.' Your needs matter, and they are beautiful!
Don’t avoid people because you’re afraid to honor your needs with care.
Don’t apologize for it.
Don’t make excuses.
Own it—with care!
You deserve space in this world. You deserve to protect your energy, time, and well-being.
Your 'no' is just as valuable as your 'yes.'
The way you say 'no' shapes what you believe about it. If you say it with fear, you reinforce the idea that 'no' is scary—something to avoid, reject, or regret.
But when you say it with love—rooted in the gift of your 'yes'—you build trust in yourself and others.
Every 'no' becomes an act of care for both you and the relationship, not a source of disconnection.
So the next time you need to say ‘no,’ remember: it’s not a wall—it’s a door to something meaningful. Hold up your gold coin, own your ‘yes,’ and offer your ‘no’ as the gift that it is.
*Special thanks to my fellow CNVC Certified Trainer, Martha Suarez, whose demonstration of 'yes' and 'no' as part of the same whole helped spark my own exploration of this felt sense.