When Kids Get “Picked On”: The Hard Truth About Accountability
Why holding both empathy and honest feedback is one of the most loving things we can do for our kids
It’s one of those questions parents whisper about but rarely name out loud:
Do kids get picked on simply because other children are unkind—or do the ways they show up sometimes contribute to the responses they receive?
I want to be clear: no child ever deserves cruelty. Bullying, exclusion, and meanness hurt, no matter what. And yet, it’s also true that how we show up in relationships matters. When that piece gets left out of the conversation, our kids miss out on something essential: the chance to learn, to grow, and to discover that they do have influence in their relationships.
A Dad’s Pain
Not long ago, I was talking with a father about his son being “picked on.” My heart ached for him—no parent wants to see their child suffer.
But I also know his boy. And what I’ve seen is a child who struggles to read the room, who often doesn’t notice his impact, and who tends to feel like the victim in every conflict. Outside of his relationship with his dad, these struggles aren’t named or addressed. More often they’re excused or overlooked.
The heartbreaking part is that this leaves him vulnerable—not just to teasing, but to the disconnection that comes when other kids don’t want to be around him.
And this is where things get uncomfortable: sometimes being “picked on” isn’t just random cruelty. Sometimes it’s the painful reaction to patterns that go unseen and unspoken.
Our Own Struggle
I don’t share this from a place of judgment. We’ve faced it in our own home.
Our daughter has ADHD. She is adventurous and creative and lights up a room—but she also carries a loud inner critic, a quick trigger to shame, and a challenge reading social situations. There were times when those patterns left her on the outside of friend groups. Watching her come home in tears, feeling rejected and confused, was heartbreaking as a mother.
In those moments, every instinct in me wanted to protect her: They just don’t understand you. It’s their loss. And sometimes I said those things. But what helped her most wasn’t my protection—it was my honesty paired with love.
With compassion, we invited her to take a gentle but courageous look: How did you show up? What part might you have played? What could you try differently?
This wasn’t about blame—it was about dignity. It was about giving her the chance to see that she wasn’t powerless, and that her choices mattered. And to her credit, she leaned in. Slowly, she began making small shifts—pausing before reacting, noticing her impact, trying repairs.
And something beautiful happened. Over time, kids began to respond to her differently. This summer she got to taste the sweetness of that shift: being seen, included, and celebrated for the person she truly is.
Her greatest learning—and mine—was that even in pain, she had agency. And that accountability, paired with compassion, could open the door to connection.
Why This Matters for Parents
As parents, we want to protect our children with everything in us. But sometimes, in our rush to shield them, we miss the gift of guiding them.
Excusing, defending, or accommodating might ease the sting in the short term, but it doesn’t prepare them for the real world. Helping them see their part, with warmth and love, does. It teaches them that their words, actions, and presence matter. That they have power—not to control how others behave, but to influence how others experience them.
Informed Consent for Kids
In medicine, we talk about “informed consent.” Before someone agrees to a treatment, they deserve to know the possible side effects.
I think kids need something similar. If they want to keep showing up a certain way, that’s their choice. But they deserve to know how others might perceive it, and what the likely consequences could be. That way, they can make an informed decision: accept those outcomes, or adjust their approach.
Either way, they’re empowered with clarity and choice, instead of being left confused and wounded by patterns they never had the chance to examine.
Closing Reflection
So, is it the chicken or the egg? Do kids get picked on because others are unkind—or because of how they’re showing up? The truth is rarely simple. Often, it’s both.
Our job isn’t to shield our kids from every pain, nor to blame them for it. Our job is to hold both empathy and accountability. To comfort them in their hurt, and also to guide them toward the awareness that helps them grow.
Because when we teach kids that their choices matter—not with shame, but with compassion—we prepare them for relationships that are more resilient, connected, and real.
Tomorrow: A Deeper Dive for Paid Subscribers
In tomorrow’s guide for paid subscribers, we’ll walk through how to navigate these conversations with your child—what to say, how to say it, and how to hold both empathy and accountability without triggering shame or shutdown.
This practical tool includes real-life prompts, phrases, and reflection tips to help you bring these insights into your next conversation—without shame or shutdown.
Love this article. Never have I seen it phrased in this way. It also creates a space for parents to step up in providing support and insight. Great analogy to medicine's informed consent!